COAPN Volume 47: Diary #4, October 5th 2003 to September 29th 2004, Age 17 to 18
June 12th, 2004
Today is Saturday so I didn’t think Mom would want to continue the lessons in domesticity but I was wrong. I’m not complaining I just thought that she would have given up after yesterday’s disasters[BA1] . Good mother, kind woman, she persevered. I think she must be learning patience after all. Well the disasters weren’t as bad today. I only dropped the bacon tongs when the bacon grease popped on my hand. Mercifully, I didn’t burn the bacon.
I’m feeling a bit like a complete and total failure lately. I’m getting fat again[BA2] . I’m no longer comfortable in my clothes and my face is puffing up so I look like a blow fish. Acne is acting up too so I’m a pizza face on top of it. It’s totally confirmed because Mom is dropping hints about how I should exercise and firm up for college, and Dad is making cracks about how I’ve “Gained a little haunch[BA3] .” Of course if I showed the fact I was slightly offended by this remark he would have either protested he was joking and told me not to be so touchy or told me that I’m vain. Of course that is how men “who never think about that sort of thing” think. Women are so self-conscious. We feel like we have to look like Wonder Woman and men can just go along looking like Porky Pig and still find some easy sleeze who will take them[BA4] . I’m a domestic disaster, I’m a clutz, I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and even when I got permission no one was interested by that point and even if they were they ran the other direction because I have weird friends[BA5] and cling to my sister for companionship because no one else can stand to be around me so we both look like we are attached at the hip and therefore I’m unapproachable and I have a Yeti for a dad who hates the idea of male attention towards his girls and revels In the fact he is so big he can scare the pants off any prospects just by being in the room[BA6] . It makes me want to throw in the towel and resign myself to spinsterhood[BA7] and spend the rest of my days flirting with ___ who is an absolute pumpkin but really needs to move out of his mother’s basement[BA8] .
No. I can’t do that. I can’t give up and be silly and childish. I need to suck it up and trust in God to give me the strength to persevere[BA9] . I’ll not bow to the pressures of upcoming school. I’ll start general education classes and wait on God to show me what his plan is. I’ll start exercising and not give myself an excuse to feel crappy about the way I look by giving Dad an avenue for teasing, no matter how harmless he views it. My parents may be getting on my nerves but I can put up with it. I’m about to start college. I’m starting a whole new portion of my life and much of it will be my responsibility. They won’t have a part in it. I will understand that they are merely clinging because they realize this inevitability. I will realize that they just love me and want what’s best for me and don’t mean to bug me and they are my parents who have sacrificed and given everything so that I can be where I am today[BA10] : getting irritated and acting like a selfish teenager. I will not be depressed about not having a boyfriend. I am going to start college where there will be many other boys and the number of hicks will dramatically decrease. Gina and I will be studying wholly different fields and will not be thrown together much at college, so the attached at the hip image will drop, though I’m sure I will miss her company. We will be driving there together so we won’t be totally deprived of each other’s company. It’s going to be okay. I’m going to work harder at “domesticity[BA11] .” I will not complain when Mom makes me touch icky raw meat. I will fold clothes to mother’s specification[BA12] , I will learn to make coffee. I will become an expert at laundry and I will clean the bathroom once a week[BA13] ! There. I’m not a failure and I won’t be one! Now to bed with all these new determinations fresh. Actually, to the shower first because I’m not going to “skank it[BA14] ” anymore. That draws cracks from Dad as well and Mom swears she can “smell” the grease in my hair when I do that[BA15] . Goodnight!
[BA1]The day previous I ripped the handle off the washing machine because no one told me I needed to push it in to turn and I assumed you had to pull out. I made a weak pot of coffee. I folded towels the wrong way. I wasted a load of wash water because I failed to remove all of the clothes from the previous load and so Mom filled a machine with clean clothes in it because she was too short to see into the bottom to see I had missed a few pieces. Yes, I was 18 and should have known better. I’d also never been taught to do these kinds of chores prior to this year. [BA2]I was 5.5 and weight 165. I currently weigh 230. So much fat yet to come, child. You weren’t fat. [BA3]My parents are A+ body shamers. [BA4]Well that’s a barrel of internalized sexism and misogyny. [BA5]I had wonderful friends and I loved them. But my parents were happy to impress upon my sister and I that we had “weird” friends and they were baffled by our choice of social circle. I’m sorry for parroting. [BA6]Toxic, toxic, toxic. Controlling. Toxic masculinity. [BA7]Just so you know, spinsterhood is absolutely awesome so far! [BA8]Internalized misogyny towards the idea of a male who instead of putting himself into debt with a mortgage when his employment didn’t afford him the opportunity, this person was somehow a “lesser man” for living in note “his mother’s” not his “parents” basement. Gross. [BA9]Because all of these problems will magically fix as soon as you “trust God.” Guess I screwed that one up because NONE OF THESE PROBLEMS FIXED UNTIL I MOVED THE HELL AWAY AND STARTED TAKING ANTI-DEPRESSANTS!!!!! (I’m still extremely spiritual, but I no longer countenance the Band-aid, vending machine vision of “if I am good God will make my life great” version I was raised in.) [BA10]I tried. I tried to give them credit. I tried to empathize. I tried to ignore the everyday accumulation of constant attacks on my self-esteem, ideas, opinions, and feelings. I tried to make it all my fault and something I could just white knuckle my way through without developing major depressive disorder and chronic anxiety. Trying, to this day, is met with more of the same. Criticize, dismiss, gaslight, reframe, ignore. I’m done trying. I’ve moved into processing so I can heal. [BA11]You got it after you moved out with your sister, kid. [BA12]No you don’t. Not at 35. She’d look in your closet and cringe. [BA13]Bwaaaaaahhaaaaaa!!!!!!! [BA14]“Skank it” translates to fail to bathe or dress up fit to leave the house every day. I now skank it 3 days a week on average. My hair has never been healthier. [BA15]Nice. Excellent methods for teaching your children to have zero self-esteem and flirt with body dysmorphia. Thank you for reading,
B
