COAPN Volume 44: Diary #3, March 20th 2000 to January 14th 2001 Age

Volume 3 March 20th 2000 to January 14th 2001

Age 13

April 14th, 2000

Well, I never finished that entry. I started writing just as I was about to leave for church. That wasn’t exactly smart.

Well I’ll pick up from where I left off. On the Saturday before the 9th. That was the 8th[BA1] . We went shopping. Normally, I hate shopping, but we knew what we were shopping for, therefore it was kind of fun. We were looking for an Easter dress. I found several I liked but there was always something wrong with it. The neckline was too low, it didn’t fit just right, too expensive, ect. Gina didn’t get one either. She tried on quite a few short-skirted ones with no sleeves. They fit her well but Mom said no. Gina also didn’t want the reputation that often accompanies those dresses[BA2] . This endever having failed we moved on to our next “to do.” Gina and I’s ear piercing. Oh, I did buy a ring.

We went to Wal-Mart and straight to the jewlry section. Here is where it dawned on me. Someone was going to poke a hole in my ears. I began to feel nervous. I turned to Gina and told her, “You go first.” She[BA3] smiled and said okay. I was glad about that. A boy went before us. Yes, it was yucky[BA4] . His mother (I’m assuming it was his mother) was an absolute hag. Missing teeth, long stringy greasey hair, etc[BA5] . Mom and Gina agreed. Well then came our turn. Gina sat down. We chose studs that were exactly like _____. ( _____ is my best friend in all the world) Gina and I got the same ones . Then the lady loaded the piercing gun with Gina’s earing. When she pulled the trigger and Gina said “Woe!” I knew I was in trouble. I don’t deal with pain well at all! Gina got the other one pierced without comment. Now it was my turn. I kept reminding myself what Mom said. NO HYSTERICS! NO CRYING[BA6] ! I sat with fists clenched and white knucklles[BA7] . I herd the trigger pop and my ear was in horrid pain[BA8] . I choked back tears and began to tremble[BA9] . I didn’t cry but wanted too. I didn’t want her to pierce the other ear, but it had to be done. She did it and again it hurt. But the ordeal was over. HORAY! (I spelled that wrong[BA10] .) End.

Thank you for reading,

B

[BA1]Basic math, B. Not your strong suit. [BA2]Purity culture on parade. These clothes were modest, y’all. I act like I’m describing Julia Roberts’ get-up in Pretty Woman, but these were basic sheath dresses for spring. The minute my sister and I hit puberty and it appeared to be taking hold in what would be a generally favorable way, my Mom got extremely strict about our clothing. I now know there was a massive history of unreported predation on her side of the family so she was likely coupling “modesty” teachings from church with her own fear of predatory adults, but it still reads bizarre for a 13-year-old to suggest her little sister will be viewed as a woman with a fallen reputation for wearing a sleeveless, below the knee length, spring dress. [BA3]It makes me smile to see evidence of the outgoing, adventurous woman my sister has always been. [BA4]Cringe, cringe, cringe. Gender norms were rigidly enforced in my family. When I was about 10, I remember my father telling my half brother that if he ever showed up with an earring, he (Dad) would rip it out of his ear. Obviously, I’ve internalized the notion that men wearing traditionally feminine accessories is taboo. [BA5]And here comes the judgmental little toad. Judging others on their appearance was modeled on a daily basis by my family. My mother in particular tends to open her every description of anyone she meets with a summary judgment of their attractiveness. It has taken years to kick this habit, so it is humiliating to revisit it written down in inescapable black and white. Ick. [BA6]Public displays of emotion were strictly forbidden, particularly crying. And I was a weeper. This order was for me. [BA7]I swear I learn to spell eventually. That’s a lie. I’m still a horrible speller. [BA8]Lame description. I seem to recall thinking that at the time as well. Thank you Jim Elledge for eventually teaching me to reach for an image instead of weak adjectives. [BA9]And by tremble I mean my whole body shook from scalp to toe tip. I have thick earlobes, so this F***ING HURT! [BA10]At least you’re finally catching it.