COAPN Volume 42: Diary #2, April 7th, 1999 - March 20th, 2000 Age 12-13

Wednesday, January 6th, 2000

Jasper, GA

I need to write in a much finer looking fashion than I do[BA1] . My handwriting is big and sloppy even though I want it to be elegant, and stylish. I’m positive I spelled that[BA2] wrong.

My Grandmother is here. I had no idea she was coming till I got home today. School[BA3] was nice. Gina is definitely more popular than I am. She has many friends and Girls who like her. Boys have been whistling at her when she walks by. She claims she does not like that[BA4] . I have other suspicions[BA5] . Me, I’m the frump. I have a few friends but I am a fat hog who dresses like a nerd and I’m a crybaby[BA6] . Wow! What a rep. Everyone[BA7] tells me otherwise but I know all about myself. The only being who knows more about me than I do is God[BA8] . That’s it. If I’m the frump, shouldn’t I know that? Well, I have to dress for church. I’ll write later. End.

Later,

We went to our church mission conference today. Three Missionary’s[BA9] were there. The last one I didn’t think would ever finish. I know I should not get impatient about that but I was croaking[BA10] ! I’m tired and need to go to bed but I’ll close with this thought. Jesus loves me[BA11] . End.

Thank you for reading,

B

[BA1]Pretentious phrasing, but given how hard this entry was to read, I’ll concede. [BA2]“That” being the word “elegant” and actually not according to spell check, kiddo. [BA3]Still struggling with when to start a new paragraph I see. Also, liar. School was never nice. [BA4]Given she’s gay, she claimed correctly. [BA5]Socialized sour grapes. I’d been taught to view this masculine behavior as both positive and desirable and was therefore jealous my sister was receiving attention she did not want. That’s gross. [BA6]Yeeeeesh. That’s a description. My self-talk has not improved in twenty-one years. Um. So I’ll be bringing that up in therapy. [BA7]Everyone being limited to immediate family who didn’t want to listen to a teenager bellyaching about feeling insecure. [BA8]This brand of band-aid, CYA better mention God religious talk is a feature of my early volumes. I think it finally tapers off in college, but I often wrote as if I had a divine audience over my shoulder so would include these references just in case I was accruing judgment I would later need to pray forgiveness for. [BA9]Plural, not possessive, B. [BA10]As most teenagers would be, love. That stuff is boring as snot for children who can only comprehend about 40% of what is being discussed thanks to the use of a 410-year-old translation. Okay, 389 at the time you were writing. [BA11]Gee, could you vague that up for me? Are you ending with this sentiment because you just got home from church? Because you were so nasty about yourself during the day? Because you have moved to a new state where you’re sad, uprooted, and being treated as inferior to your sister? The most likely explanation is the CYA bible talk again, but it’s a baffling conclusion.